EPISODE ONE

(It’s Christmas Eve at AD headquarters. There is tinsel draped over all the hogs. Whoever did the Christmas decorations got a bit carried away. In the living there is a big tree, with a whole bunch of presents underneath it. All the full members are currently in the big council room. Most of them are wearing Santa hats. This is where our story starts. Shock is standing at the head of the table.)

Shock: Okay everyone, who’s going to do the cooking for Christmas?

Mogs: We do have all those boxes of hot pockets.

Duck and Beer: (In the hot pocket style) Hot pockets!

Neo: We’re going to have hot pockets for Christmas dinner? What about a turkey? Or something…

Mogs: Okay, Neo is cooking the turkey.

Neo: I’ll make the recruits do it.

Falcon: (Raises his hand, changes subject) Can we have fireworks?

(Shock nods.)

Grunt: I thought we were saving the fireworks for New Years.

Shock: Uh… We have lots of fireworks.

(Momentary flashback to Shock and Falcon surveying an entire room piled with fireworks.)

Shock: Okay. Hot pockets, turkey and fireworks. Beerman is bringing the beer. (He rubs his hands together.) We’re all set!

(The meeting ends. Some people go back to the living room and watch TV.  Cut to Christmas morning. 6 am.)

Ahsroth: (Yelling) IT’S CHRISTMAS! EVERYONE GET UP AND OPEN PRESENTS! (She runs around knocking on people’s doors. People stagger into the living room looking half awake.)

Gnocide: I should not be awake at this time. (Ahs throws a present at him, it hits him in the head. He falls down, then sits up and opens the present. He frowns and holds up a pink thong.) I don’t think this is for me…

Wraith: It’s for Pixie.

Pixie: Awh, thanks.

(Everyone starts opening their presents. There is wrapping paper everywhere. Shock is cradling a brand new sniper rifle. He keeps focusing it on people.)

Bobert: Shock, that’s starting to get really scary.

(Shock shoots, the bullet just whizzing past Bobert’s ear and shattering a vase.)

Bobert: (Wets himself) Really really scary. (He leaves to change his pants)

(A bit later. Everyone is holding glasses and Beer is making a toast)

Beer: This is in celebration of all the death we have caused to each other, and also to all those we’ve lost to the Darkside.

(Everyone looks respectfully at the door marked ‘Nitrus73’. It is covered in cobwebs and looks unused.)

Norik: I wonder if he’s still alive in there.

Falcon: (Holding a firework) Should I blast the door open and find out?

Phoenix: FIRE!

(Shock fires his sniper rifle. Phoenix falls over.)

Rebel: Is he dead?

Sayac: (Kicks Phoenix in the side.) I think so…

Neo: What are we going to do with the body?

Rebel: Just put it in the closet…

(Neo and Grunt rolls P’s body on to a rug, then drag it into the closet.)

Beerman: As I was saying… Merry Christmas! (He takes a drink. Everyone else follows suit.)

(The next day. Shock, Mogwai, Gnocide, Xgrunt, Bobert, Sandman and Neolith are on the couch. It is a big couch. The door opens. Pixie and Ahsroth walk in. They are both wearing pyjamas and Pixie is armed with DVDs and chocolate. Ahsroth is carrying an assault rifle)

Pixie: We’re having a girly night.

Ahsroth: So you boys have to leave. Or I’ll shoot you. (She waves the rifle around)

Mogs: It’s not night…

Shock: You can’t hit anything with that.

(Ahsroth’s rifle accidentally goes off, shoots Gnocide in the foot.)

Gen: Oh the pain! (He collapses on the ground with a bleeding foot.)

Shock: Ok, you can’t hit anything with that on purpose.

Ahs: Get out or I’ll accidentally shoot the rest of you!

Neo: Maybe we should call an ambulance for Gnocide…

Sandman: He’ll be okay, just give him a bandaid.

(Bobert throws a bandaid at Gnodcide. Gen writhes in pain.)

Bobert: You’re meant to put it on your foot, not writhe in pain at it.

(Neo and Grunt pick Gen up and carry him out. Ahs waves her rifle a bit more, shoots a hole in the wall.)

Shock: Okay, okay, we’re leaving.

(The boys leave. Ahs and Pixie set themselves up on the couch. A while later the door opens again, Netwraith and Drifter/Snoopy walk in. Ahs turns around and waves her assault rifle at them, accidentally shoots a pot plant.)

Ahs: We’re having a girly night! Get out!

Drifter: Eep. (The door closes)

(Outside the living room)

Drifter: What do you think girls talk when they have their girly nights?

Wraith: I think they dance naked.

Drifter: Ooh, I wanna see.

Wraith: I have a plan.

(Ten minutes later, the door opens. Drifter and Wraith are now standing there wearing drag [No, not the person].)

Wraith: We are women. We have come to eat chocolate and talk. And dance naked.

Pix: Is that you Wraith?

Wraith: Um… No. I am Wraithalina.

Ahs: Yeah right.

Drifter: (Looking at TV) Hey wait a minute. You guys aren’t even watching a girly movie. You’re playing Halo 2.

Ahs: But it’s still girly! I’m wearing purple armor!

Pix: And I’m wearing pink armor! With glitter!

(Door opens, Duck walks in. Stops. Looks at Wraith and Drifter.)

Duck: Nice skirt, Wraith.

Wraith: Does it make my butt look big?

Duck: Ew, I’m not looking at your butt. (He notices Pixie and Ahs, both now playing Halo 2) Hey, can I join you guys?

Pix: Sure. (She throws a controller to Duck)

Drifter: Hey, how come you let Duck join in?

Ahs: He shares his tequila.

Drifter: I’ll share my orange juice.

Ahs: It’s not quite the same…

(Pillar walks in, burps, and walks out)

Ahs: Well that was weird.

Drifter: Can we play now?

Wraith: (At same time) Are you two going to start dancing naked now?

Pixie: Um… no.

Neo: (Door opens, Neo looks in.) Did someone say naked?

Ahs: No! (Door closes. She gives up on the game and throws the controller at TV. She misses and Drifter catches it.)

Drifter: Haha! Now I can play!

Duck: Nice purple armor, Drifter.

Drifter: I think it’s sexy…

Ahs: Drifter, you are wearing a skirt and have two tennis balls stuck down your shirt.

Drifter: Eek! (Drifter drops the controller and runs out)

(Shock and the others walk back in. Gen is using crutches. They all stop and look at Wraith.)

Mogs: What the crap are you wearing?

Wraith: Leave me alone! I had a plan! (He runs out)

Shock: Are you done with your girly night yet?

(Ahs, Pixie and Duck ignore him, they are yelling at the TV)

Duck: Haha, I win!

Ahs: (Sulks) Only because Drifter stole my controller half way through.

Pixie: You threw your controller at him…

Ahs: Oh yeah…

Shock: I’m playing! (He grabs Ahsroth’s controller and proceeds to kill Pixie and Duck)

Pixie: You suck.

Shock: I win!

(Gnocide is trying to hop over to the couch, he can’t use the crutches and falls over. Bobert points and laughs.)

Gen: Ow, my precious dignity!

(Cut to the AD wash bay. Drags, Poppa and Sero are on their knees with a toothbrush each, scrubbing a warthog. Norik and The1 are supervising. Norik has a whip.)

Norik: Hurry up maggots! Beerman needs his hog sparkling clean for this afternoon’s race! (He cracks his whip.)

The recruits: Yes sir! (They scrub faster)

Norik: Do you think we’re too hard on them?

The1: Nah, at least we let them have the toothbrushes this time.