Hi there, my name is Ahsroth, and I am here to help you, with my five part basic guide to the ‘Real World’.
There are times in our lives we just can’t avoid it. Times when we are dragged from the comforting glow of our computer screens. Times when all our online super powers are of no use. Yes, I’m talking about the times we have to enter the ‘Real World’.
So please, read on, before it’s too late. Because if you’re not prepared, the Real World will get you…

Part One- What Is The ‘Real World’?
How do I rightly explain the Real World? Until you have been there yourself, you can never truly know. There are some things you must remember about the Real World.
1. You can actually get hurt. Actual physical pain. The Real World is a very dangerous place. You cannot heal yourself with magic, you need things called bandages. This takes EFFORT. And also, if you flame people in the Real World, they can beat you up. I will later teach you how to avoid situations like this.
2. People in the Real World have ‘feelings’. As mentioned in 1, hurting these ‘feelings’ could result in you getting beaten up. Feelings are very complex and disturbing things. Try to avoid them where possible.
3. There is no undo or back button. This is one of the hardest things about the real world. If you do something wrong, you cannot undo it or hit the back button. Mistakes are forever.
4. People can actually see you. Calling yourself a 6’4” hot blonde woman/hot manly man won’t work if people can you’re actually a pasty-skinned chubby teenager.
Basically, the Real World is a very scary and complex place. It should be avoided at all costs. Which brings me to the next paragraph…

Part Two- Avoiding The Real World.
Here are some tips for avoiding the Real World.
1. First, you must get rid of all Real Friends. Start by dressing badly and acting uncool. Ignore them. Flame them. Anything to get rid of these people who might make you leave your computer to go ‘out’.
2. Live with your parents as long as possible. Scab of them. They will take care of you. There is nothing wrong with being a 40 year old living in your mother’s basement. It shows good familial connections. Just as long as you don’t actually talk to your family. They might distract you from the computer.
3. Try to make life easier for yourself by setting up your room around the computer. If possible, make it so you can reach a computer wherever you are; in bed, on the toilet, cleaning the fridge, phoning for pizza, etc.
4. Quit your job. Trust me. Work isn’t any good. I mean, come on. Physical movement? It’s just asking for trouble.

Part Three- Life’s Little Necessities
They call them life’s necessities. They are wrong. Life’s necessities are porn, fast internet connection and hacking abilities. But these are the sorts of things that require you moving from your computer (you don’t have to, but the results could be less than pleasant.)
1. The Toilet: Unless you can get a toilet installed in your computer chair, you will have to make the infrequent trip to the bathroom to relieve yourself. Do this as quickly as possible. If it’s going to be a long one, print off some porn. Because hey, if you’re going to have your pants around your ankles, you may as well enjoy yourself.
2. Sleep: Sleep is not necessary. With adequate amounts of caffeine, you can give up sleep all together. Do so immediately. Or if you must, nap in your computer chair.
3. Feeding: Yes, you will have to eat. Anything that can be microwaved is fine, provided it doesn’t take longer than five minutes. Anything longer than five minutes is a serious risk to your health. You may miss an important message on a chatroom. Food that can be delivered to your door is also acceptable. Chinese food and pizza are popular choices. Try to avoid looking at the delivery guy though. He might give you some sort of infection.

Part Four- Dealing With People
People in the Real World aren’t like people on the internet. They are very complex. Try punching them, and if this doesn’t make them leave you alone, follow these tips.
1. Don’t speak in chat-speak, or 1337, to people. They will not understand you. You cannot abbreviate words. If you want to say “OMG” say “Oh my god!” Instead of saying “LOL” try laughing. Asking for people’s ASL is also considered impolite, especially considering the latter two should be obvious. You will have to learn a little thing called ‘smalltalk’. Basically, you greet the person, and go on to talk about pointless things such as the weather.
2. Don’t insult people. They might beat you up. But if you are bigger and stronger than them, feel free. But be aware you may get actually hurt. And you cannot heal it instantly. Real fights are also not like e-fights in that you can’t dodge everything. You aren’t invincible.
3. It might have seemed hot during a cyber sex session on MSN, but in the Real World, you’ll probably get laughed at.
4. Don’t look at these people. Don’t talk to them. Don’t touch them. Wherever possible. Because trust me, you don’t want to get a virus. And no, not a computer virus. But if you think of how a computer virus can destroy the inner files of your computer? Well, real viruses do the same. Only to you.

Part Five- Longer Trips
Alright, when you have to go into the Real World for a long time (long time = more than an hour) you are very much at risk. You could catch a virus. You could be late replying to an important email. You could miss out on the latest gossip. So it’s best to avoid situations like this as often as possible. They are very, very risky. In my personal opinion, too risky. But if you must, be well prepared.
1. Buy a gas mask off eBay. Fresh air could hurt your sensitive lungs. If you can’t get a gasmask, not to breathe.
2. Take porn. You’ll need it. Lots of porn.
3. Wear sunglasses. There’s this thing called the Sun. It’s shiny.
4. Wear ‘sunscreen’. See above. The Sun burns you. And you don’t want to lose that hard earned pasty skin.
5. If at all possible, get a portable computer. If that fails, a cellphone. Anything, as long as it is electronic.
6. Make sure you have some sort of portable music player, in order to block out the sounds of the Real World. Anything loud will do.

So there you have it. The basic guide to the Real World. Stay on the look out for more in-depth discussion of certain aspects of the Real World. Thank you, and remember, if it doesn’t give off an electronic glow, it’s not safe. Be safe.

Brought to you by Ahsroth.